The Height of Selfishness – Being a People Pleaser

Have you ever felt stuck? Have you ever asked yourself why? One rapid way to get stuck is to try to please everyone. By pleasing people, we find ourselves backed into a corner because, when attempting to make everyone happy, you ultimately make no one happy, especially yourself.

The most intense problem with people pleasing is it becomes an addiction, an approval addiction. If you genuinely want to paralyze your purpose, this is how to do it.

If you have people who have to approve of every move you make, or you can’t be happy, you’re done. Seriously, you’re through, finished; the party’s over.

This is not living for a purpose, meaning, or to make a difference. This is being sold to a feeling- being addicted to that feeling you get when someone likes you. To be an effective leader, you need to be likable, no doubt, but you also can not care what others think about you, and you indeed can not be owned by their approval. You have to believe in your dream and yourself no matter what.

Think about how ridiculous and insecure this is. That our life is going to revolve around what other people think. Imagine what that could cause.

    1. Total Confusion:  In a group of any number of people, you will have many opinions.

    2. Total Paralyses:  if you try to please everyone, you will please no one. Therefore, you remain in an immovable state.

    3. Total Frustration:  If frustration is the differential between expectation and reality, and you live according to someone else’s expectation, your reality will never be what you want it to be.

    4. Total Leadership Stagnation:  It will make you incapable of making hard decisions, confronting people’s problems, and troubleshooting conflict. It literally will impede your ability to lead.

People do matter. I hear people say all the time, I don’t care what anyone thinks. This may be true of someone, but not anyone I’ve ever met. We like to say that because it sounds harsh and robust, but it’s a lie. Human beings have a deep need to belong, and belonging has a certain level of acceptance that’s needed, which only comes when you care about what others think. However, you can’t let what others think rule you. We all need to know our purpose, live our lives with intention, and not be dissuaded by others’ opinions.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t seek a mentor, advice, or a confidant’s opinion about an issue. All these things are fine; if you’re smart, you’ll realize they are imperative to your success. However, this is not the same as being a people-pleaser.

You may ask, but aren’t we supposed to add value to people? Yes. That’s what leaders do. That’s what gives us credibility and gains our influence. Adding value to people, though, is not the same as pleasing people.

A profound difference exists between adding value to people and being a people-pleaser. People-pleasing is a problem, especially in leadership. There’s nothing wrong with liking people and wanting to do good things for them. Adding value to someone means serving them. Am I saying we shouldn’t serve other people? Not. What I’m saying is, stop being self-serving.

When people-pleasing, we think we’re serving others because we’re trying to please them. However, we’re not trying to please them for what we can do for them. We are seeking to delight them for how it makes us feel. To be a person who lives for the approval of others is not about living for their benefit but about getting that approval that makes us feel good about ourselves. It’s an entirely selfish motive.

So, if you’re a leader, add value to people, serve them, care about them, love them, and help them, but don’t live your life to please them; live your life to partner with them so their potential and your potential will come to fruition. Then, you can be confident in yourself, them, and who God has made you be.